Don't Know Which Direction to Go in, Whip Out Your Penis and Just Let the Wind Guide You Baby
Editors' note: This article was first published in print in 1994. This digitized version has since been updated to remove offensive lines. A version of this article appears in our 2019 'Love Letters to Texas' collector'due south issue.
Mutual as cornbread, old as dirt, funny as all get-out—homespun expressions link modern Texans to our rural and agronomical past, conveying the resolute spirit and plainspoken humor of our heroes and pioneers. Some sayings are instantly familiar because our parents or grandparents quoted them; others parallel the indisputable wisdom of biblical proverbs or Poor Richard's Annual; plenty but make us express joy. We asked twelve renowned artists to illustrate their favorite Texas sayings, and we nowadays besides a sample of other axioms and adages common to the state—a drove of sayings every bit big as all hell and half of Texas.
Acceptable
It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
That'southward close enough for government work.
Might also. Can't dance, never could sing, and it's too wet to plow.
I could sit down nevertheless for that.
Yous can't crush that with a stick.
Boastful
He can strut sitting down.
He's all hat and no cattle.
She'southward all gurgle and no guts.
He chamber-of-commerced information technology.
Dishonest
He's on a first-name basis with the lesser of the deck.
So crooked that if he swallowed a boom he'd spit upwardly a corkscrew.
So crooked you can't tell from his tracks if he's coming or going.
He knows more than ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked equally a domestic dog's hind leg.
Crooked as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel factory.
Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks.
And so crooked he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She'southward more than slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He'south slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn't trust him whatever farther than I tin can throw him.
Honest
If that ain't a fact, God's a possum.
Y'all can take that to the bank.
You tin can hang your hat on it.
Y'all can bet the farm on it.
He'due south so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you tin can look under her fly for the can.
Brave
Brave as the first man who ate an oyster.
Dauntless every bit a bigamist.
Brave enough to consume in a boomtown buffet.
He'due south double-backboned.
He's got more guts than y'all could hang on a argue.
He'd shoot craps with the devil himself.
She'd charge hell with a bucket of ice h2o.
Argumentative, Mad
She could showtime a fight in an empty firm.
He'd contend with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a chunk under it.
He's the only hell his mama always raised.
He'south got his tail upward.
She's in a horn-tossing mood.
She'south so contrary she floats upwards-stream.
She's dancing in the hog trough.
He'll tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.
Timid
He stays in the shadow of his mama's apron.
If he was melted down, he couldn't be poured into a fight.
He'southward get-go cousin to Moses Rose.
He wouldn't seize with teeth a biscuit.
He's yellow equally mustard but without the bite.
He may not be a chicken, but he has his henhouse ways.
Dry
So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
And then dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
Then dry the copse are bribing the dogs.
Then dry my duck don't know how to swim.
It'due south been dry so long, we but got a quarter-inch of pelting during Noah's Flood.
And so dry I'm spitting cotton wool.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
Busy
He's so busy you lot'd call up he was twins.
They're doing a land-office business.
Busy equally a one-legged man at an donkey-kicking convention.
Decorated equally a funeral home fan in July.
Busy as a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
Busy every bit a stump-tailed balderdash in fly flavor.
Busy equally a hound in flea season.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the south forty earlier breakfast.
Got to get back to my rat killing.
She's jumping like hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Panting similar a lizard on a hot rock.
No grass growing under her feet.
Unsophisticated
Just fell off the turnip (watermelon, white potato) truck.
He's and then country he thinks a vii-course repast is a possum and a six-pack.
They lived so far out in the country that the sunday prepare between their house and town.
Capable, Experienced
She's got some snap in her garters.
He'south got plenty of arrows in his quiver.
She'south got horse sense.
He's got plenty of notches on his gun.
She's a right smart windmill logroller.
He could discover a whisper in a whirlwind.
There's no slack in her rope.
He's a three-jump cowboy.
He can ride the rough string.
If she crows, the sunday is upwards.
This ain't my start rodeo.
General Advice
Pigs go fat; hogs go slaughtered.
A worm is the only beast that tin't autumn down.
Never sign nada by neon.
Just because a craven has wings don't mean it can fly.
Go along your saddle oiled and your gun greased.
You lot can't go lard unless you lot boil the hog.
If you cut your own firewood, information technology'll warm you twice.
There's more than ane way to break a domestic dog from sucking eggs.
Give me the bacon without the sizzle.
Don't hang your wash on someone else's line.
Practise God's will, whatever the hell it may be.
Lick that calf again? (Say what?)
Why shear a grunter?
Don't snap my garters.
A guilty fox hunts his own hole.
Quit hollering downwardly the pelting.
Don't rile the wagon principal.
Improve to keep your rima oris close and seem a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
The barn door's open and the mule'due south trying to run. (Your fly'due south down.)
Don't get all het up about it.
There's a big difference betwixt the ox and the whiffletree.
There's no tree simply bears some fruit.
Skin your own buffalo.
You amend throw a sop to the dogs.
Don't squat on your spurs.
Whatever mule's tail tin can catch cockleburs.
A drought unremarkably ends with a flood.
If you lie downwardly with dogs, yous get up with fleas.
A lean dog runs fast.
The apple tree doesn't fall far from the tree.
Celebratory
Let's shoot out the lights.
We'll paint the boondocks and the front porch.
Let'south hallelujah the county.
Put the picayune pot in the big pot.
Throw your hat over the windmill.
I'll be there with bells on.
I'll wearable my Sunday-go-to-meeting dress.
He's all gussied up.
Big
Fat as a boardinghouse cat.
Fatty as a town dog.
She's warm in winter, shady in summer.
He don't care what you call him every bit long as you call him to supper.
And then large he looks like he ate his brother.
So big he has to sit down in shifts.
Large as Brewster County.
Big equally Dallas.
Big as a Brahma balderdash.
She'd rather shake than rattle.
He's big enough to bear chase with a branch.
He'south all spread out like a cold supper.
Wide as two ax handles.
He'll eat annihilation that don't eat him beginning.
Inexpensive
Tight as Dick's hatband.
Tight every bit a tick.
Tight every bit a clothesline.
Tight as a fiddle string.
Tight every bit wallpaper.
Tight equally a wet boot.
Tight enough to raise a blister.
And then tight he squeaks when he walks.
He'll squeeze a nickel till the buffalo screams.
She has brusk arms and deep pockets.
Crazy
He'due south got a large hole in his screen door.
She's one bubble off plumb.
She's ane brick shy of a load.
She's two sandwiches short of a picnic.
He's a few pickles short of a barrel.
There's a low-cal or two burned out on his cord.
He's missing a few buttons off his shirt.
The porch light's on just no one's home.
He's lost his vertical concur.
He'south overdrawn at the retentiveness bank.
I hear you clucking, but I tin't find your nest.
She's got likewise many cobwebs in the cranium.
Crazy as a bullbat.
Crazy equally Larrabee's dogie.
Lucky
He could draw a pat mitt from a stacked deck.
He always draws the best balderdash.
He'southward riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels.
He could sit on the fence and the birds would feed him.
Rich
In alpine cotton wool.
Running with the big dogs.
He didn't come to town ii to a mule.
She's got more than she can say grace over.
So rich they tin can eat fried chicken all week long.
Rich enough to eat her laying hens.
Poor
If a trip around the world cost a dollar, I couldn't get to the Oklahoma line.
He'southward so bankrupt he's disrepair all Ten Commandments.
Poor equally a cadger-eating cat.
Hasn't got a pot to pee in or a window to throw information technology out of.
Then poor I had a tumbleweed as a pet.
I ate so many armadillos when I was young, I still curl up into a ball when I hear a canis familiaris bark.
And then poor nosotros had to fertilize the sills before we could raise the windows.
Poor equally sawmill rats.
He'southward bankrupt as a stick horse.
He's too poor to pay attention.
So poor the wolf won't even stop at their door.
Then poor their Sun supper is fried water.
As well poor to paint, too proud to whitewash.
Hot
Hot as Hades.
Hot equally the hinges (or hubs) of hell.
Hot as a depot stove.
Hot equally a two-dollar pistol.
Hot equally a billy goat in a pepper patch.
Hot as a summertime revival.
Hot as a pot of neck basic.
Hot as a stolen tamale.
Hot enough to fry eggs on the sidewalk.
Hotter than whoopee in woolens.
Hotter than a honeymoon hotel.
Hotter than a called-for stump.
Hotter than blue blazes.
Hotter than a fur glaze in Marfa.
And then hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Cold
This is hog-killing weather.
At that place'southward only a strand of barbed wire between here and there, and it's down (after a blizzard).
Cold as a well-digger's knee joint.
Common cold equally a frosted frog.
Cold as an ex-married woman'southward heart.
Common cold as a cast-iron commode.
Cold as a broker's heart.
Cold as hell with the furnace out.
Sad
I feel lower than a gopher hole.
I feel so low I couldn't jump off a dime.
She eats sorrow past the spoonful.
Yous look like you were sent for and couldn't go.
Sad plenty to bring a tear to a glass heart.
He looks like the cheese fell off his cracker.
Small, Thin
She's frying size.
He's knee-high to a grasshopper.
He'd accept to stand up up to look a rattler in the middle.
About as large equally the lilliputian terminate of cypher.
One-half as big every bit a infinitesimal.
No bigger than moles on a chigger.
Scrawny as Ace Reid cattle.
Nix betwixt the horns and hooves merely hibernate.
Thin as a bar'south ear.
Thin equally a gnat's whisker.
Thin as shop-bought thread.
Thin every bit Depression soup.
Sparse every bit a fiddle string.
Thin as a rake and twice equally sexy.
Flat as a fritter.
Scarce-hipped.
Then skinny she has to stand up twice to brand a shadow.
And so skinny you could requite her a Big Red and employ her as a thermometer.
So skinny she shades herself under the clothesline.
Bad, Mean
He'south such a liar he'd beat yous senseless and tell God y'all barbarous off a equus caballus.
He was born deplorable.
He'south so low he'd steal the widow's ax.
He'd steal his mama'south egg money.
He'd steal the flowers off his grandma'south grave.
He'd steal the nickels off a expressionless homo'south eyes.
No-business relationship young man.
Bitter equally gall.
Tough every bit nickel steak.
Tough as stewed skunk.
Tough as whang.
Mean equally a mama wasp.
Friendly equally a brier bush.
She makes a hornet look cuddly.
A she-bear in satin.
Rough every bit a cob.
He looks like a sheep-killing dog.
He lies like a tombstone.
He wouldn't scratch his own mama'southward fleas.
He's got horns holding up his halo.
Nosotros're not on borrowing terms.
You're then depression you have to wait up to meet hell.
He's then low you lot couldn't put a rug nether him.
He jumped on me with all four feet.
A real revolving son of a bitch.
Fast
He jumped on me like a duck on a June bug.
He jumped on me like white on rice.
He tin can blow out the lamp and jump into bed before it gets nighttime.
He gets there in one-half less than no time.
Quick out of the chute.
Fast as greased lightning.
Fast as small-town gossip.
Faster than a prairie fire with a tail wind.
Faster than a scalded cat.
Faster than double-struck lightning.
Faster than a sneeze through a screen door.
Going like a house afire.
Hell-bent for leather.
Any faster and he'd grab up to yesterday.
In a New York minute.
Stiff
His breath's so stiff you could hang out the washing on it.
That coffee's and then strong it'll put hair on your chest.
Coffee so potent it'll walk into your cup.
Java so stiff information technology'll raise a blood blister on a boot.
He'southward and so strong he makes Samson look sensitive.
Arrival/Greetings
Look what the true cat dragged in.
Company's coming; add together a loving cup of water to the soup.
We've howdied but we haven't shook.
Put on your sitting britches.
Let's chaw the rag.
Divergence/Good-bye
Let'due south light a shuck.
It's fourth dimension to heat upwards the bricks.
It's time to put the chairs in the wagon.
It's time to swap spit and hit the road.
It's time to put out the fire and phone call in the dogs.
He'southward heading for the wagon yard.
Allow's blow this popular stand up.
That about puts the rag on the bush.
Church building is out.
That's all she wrote.
Patience
Hot will cool if greedy will let it.
Have a tater and wait.
Don't get your panties in a wad.
Launder off your war paint.
Tired
Looks similar she's been chewed upward, spit out, and stepped on.
Looks like she was rode hard and put away wet.
She looks like chewed twine.
He looks like Bowser's os.
I was born tired and I've since suffered a relapse.
1 wheel downward and the beam dragging.
I'm near most past going.
Sick
He's got a hitch in his gitalong.
Sick as a dog passing peach pits.
All stove up.
I'thousand then sick I'd take to get better to die.
Sore as a boil.
Her hopper'due south busted.
As full of pains equally an old window.
I've got the dark-green apple nasties.
He looks like death warmed over.
So sick he needs two beds.
Sorry as a three-legged dog.
Talkative
He could talk the legs off a chair.
He could talk the gate off its hinges.
He could talk the hibernate off a cow.
He could talk the ears off a mule.
He shoots off his mouth so much he must consume bullets for breakfast.
He'south got a 10-gallon rima oris.
She speaks ten words a second, with gusts to fifty.
Her tongue is plumb tuckered.
She's got tongue enough for x rows of teeth.
She beats her own gums to decease.
He blew in on his own wind.
He's a live dictionary.
He's a mentum musician.
She has a bong clapper instead of a tongue.
He was vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
Nervous
All cut up like a boardinghouse pit.
Smiling like a mule eating cockleburs.
Nervous as a pregnant jenny.
Nervous as a fly in the glue pot.
Nervous as a woodshed waiter.
She's chewing her bit.
Caution
You were too hard to enhance to take chances.
Don't dig upwardly more than snakes than you can kill.
Whistle earlier you walk into a stranger'south campsite.
Don't plough also close to the cotton.
A dead snake tin can still bite.
A dead bee can nonetheless sting.
Don't tip over the outhouse.
Putdowns
Even a blind hog can discover an acorn once in a while.
Anytime you lot happen to laissez passer my house, I'd sure appreciate it.
What did you do with the money your mama gave you for singing lessons?
Were you raised in a befouled?
Put that in your piping and smoke it.
Fifty-fifty the chickens under the porch know that.
You smell like you want to be left alone.
Go peddle your own produce.
Go cork your pistol.
If you break your leg, don't come running to me.
Whatsoever greases your railroad vehicle.
Problem
Got a large hole in the debate.
I got my ox in a ditch.
He loaded the wrong wagon.
They hung the incorrect horse thief.
He ripped his britches.
There's a yellowjacket in the outhouse.
Wasting Time
Preaching to the choir.
Burning daylight.
Arguing with a wooden Indian.
Whistling up the air current.
Hollering down a well.
Vain
He bankrupt his arm patting himself on the back.
He thinks the lord's day comes up merely to hear him crow.
I'd like to buy him for what he's worth and sell him for what he thinks he'll bring.
She'south then spoiled salt couldn't save her.
She's so spoiled she expects spoon-feeding.
Drunkard/Drinking
He wasn't born, only squeezed out of a bartender's rag.
Drunker than who shot John.
Snot-slinging drunkard.
Drunk as Cooter Dark-brown.
Drunk as a skunk.
Don't chop any forest this evening; Daddy's coming home with a load.
Tighter than bark on a log.
I've got the whistlebelly thumps and skull cramps. (A hangover.)
Calling for Earl. (Throwing up.)
Jugging and jawing.
Commode-hugging, articulatio genus-walking boozer.
Desolate
Looks like hell with anybody out to dejeuner.
Out where the buses don't run.
Dead
Buzzard allurement.
He gave upwardly his guitar for a harp.
He ate a biting pill.
Unwelcome
As welcome as an egg-sucking dog.
As welcome as an outhouse breeze.
As welcome every bit screwworm.
As welcome equally a porcupine at a nudist colony.
As welcome as a skunk at a backyard party.
As welcome every bit a wet shoe.
As welcome as a tornado on a trail drive.
Easy
No hill for a stepper.
Slick equally a whistle.
Easy as pie.
Difficult
Like trying to bag flies.
Like putting socks on a rooster.
Like shooting fish in a barrel as pissing upward a rope.
Failure
He blames everything on the weather condition or his raising.
He got caught in his own loop.
He came close to the dollar knife.
Smart
Vivid every bit a new penny.
Smart as a hooty owl.
No flies on my mama.
Smart every bit a whip.
Dumb
If a duck had his brain, it would fly northward for the winter.
He doesn't take enough sense to spit downwind.
If he was salary, he wouldn't fifty-fifty sizzle.
If brains were leather, he couldn't saddle a flea.
He carries his brains in his dorsum pocket.
Impaired as dirt.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Dumb as a barrel of hair.
Dumb equally a mail.
Dumb equally a wagon wheel.
Dumb every bit a prairie dog.
Dumb every bit a watermelon.
He doesn't know "come up here" from "sic 'em."
He doesn't know plenty to pound sand down a rat pigsty.
He tin't ride and chew at the same time.
So stupid if you put his brains in a bumblebee, it'd fly backwards.
If all her brains were ink, she couldn't dot an i.
If all his brains were dynamite, he couldn't blow his olfactory organ.
He don't know which end's upwards.
He don't know a widget from a whangdoodle.
He don't know nothing from zippo.
He don't know diddly squat.
He couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.
If he had a encephalon, information technology'd dice of loneliness.
And then thick-headed y'all tin can striking him in the face with a tire fe and he won't yell till morning.
He could screw upwardly an anvil.
Beat
He gave me the wire-brush treatment.
I got sandpapered.
I'll snatch you bald-headed.
I'll whip you similar a redheaded stepchild.
I'll knock you lot plumb into side by side week.
He got his tail feathers trimmed. He's been saucered and blowed.
He sure cleaned your plow.
Unacceptable
Not what I had my face fixed for.
Similar hugging a rose bush.
Nothing to write abode about.
That dog won't hunt.
I'd merely as soon bite a issues.
I don't cotton to it.
Confused
Confused equally a goat on AstroTurf.
My natural language got caught in my eyeteeth and I couldn't see what I was proverb.
I can explain information technology to you, but I can't empathise it for yous.
He ran 'em around the barn.
Cattywampus to Miss Jones'southward.
Immoral, Wild
They telephone call her "radio station" because anyone can option her upward, particularly at night.
He'due south wilder than a peach orchard boar.
Loose equally ashes in the wind.
Loose equally a saucepan of soot.
Wilder than an acre of snakes.
She uses her canvass for a tablecloth.
He was born on the incorrect side of the coating.
She'due south found a new dasher for her churn.
They ate supper earlier they said grace.
They planted their ingather before they built their fence.
They're hitched simply not churched.
They've got a cotton-patch license.
Pregnant
She's got a bun in the oven.
She's sitting on the nest.
She's got one in the chute.
She's been storked.
Citified
Raised on physical.
Doesn't know a bit from a barrel.
Y'all don't live longer in the metropolis; information technology just seems that way.
Noisy
Noisy as two skeletons dancing on a tin roof.
Noisy as a restless mule in a tin barn.
Noisier than cats making kittens.
Noisier than a cornhusk mattress.
Louder than Gramps'south Sunday tie.
He chosen his hogs all night. (Snored.)
He learned to whisper in a sawmill.
Inept, Worthless
He could fall up a tree.
Couldn't ride a nightmare without falling out of bed.
He couldn't knock a hole in the wind with a sackful of hammers.
So bad at farming he couldn't enhance Cain.
He couldn't hit the floor if he fell out of bed.
Handy as hip pockets on a hog.
Worthless as teats on a bull.
Worthless as a sidesaddle on a sow.
Not worth spit.
He couldn't organize a pissing contest in a brewery.
Useless as ii buggies in a one-horse town.
He could spiral up a ii-car funeral.
Tie a quarter to it and throw it away, and yous can say yous lost something.
He'southward got no more chance than a June issues in the chicken coop.
He's a day late and a dollar brusque.
He can't win for losing.
He's sucking hind teat.
I need that similar a tomcat needs a trousseau.
She'southward itching for something she won't scratch for.
Why shut the barn door afterward the horses are out?
No more than skillful than an eyeless needle.
Like warming up leftover snowfall.
Like pushing a wheelbarrow with rope handles.
Like sweetness-talking the h2o out of the well.
Adept, Happy
Sweeter than stolen honey.
Sweeter than baby's breath.
Sweeter than an old maid'due south dream.
He took to you like a hog to persimmons.
He took to you like a fish to water.
Happy as a boardinghouse pup.
Happy as a clam at high tide.
Happy equally a sus scrofa in mud.
Safe as Granny's snuffbox.
Fair to middling.
Pert as a cricket.
Soft as a ii-infinitesimal egg.
All wool and a chiliad broad.
I'1000 cooking on a front burner today.
If I felt any ameliorate, I'd drop my harp plumb through the deject.
If I felt any improve, I'd think information technology was a setup.
Fatty and sassy.
All sweetness and calorie-free.
This is and so proficient it'll make childbirth a pleasure.
Fine every bit frog fur.
Fine as dollar cotton.
Fine as boomtown silk.
Fine as cream gravy.
The porch low-cal is always burning.
Long every bit I got a biscuit, you got half.
Distance
Down the road a piece.
A fur piece.
Turn left past yonder.
I won't say it'south far, simply I had to grease the wagon twice before I hit the main road.
Two hoots and a holler away.
Lazy
He hangs out more than oftentimes than Mama's washing.
He's like a blister—he doesn't testify upward till the piece of work's all done.
Shy
Shy as a mail-guild bride.
Shy as a crocus.
Shy as sapphires.
Nighttime
Equally night every bit the within of a wolf.
Nighttime as bury air.
Dark equally a pocket.
Nighttime as a moo-cow.
Dark every bit a blue norther.
Dark as the devil's riding boots.
Night as truck-stop java.
Handy
Handy as sliced bread.
Handy as shirt pockets.
Handy as a latch on the outhouse door.
Deficient
Deficient as hen's teeth.
Scarce as grass around a hog trough.
Deficient as rain barrels.
Dull (equally a knife)
You lot could ride all the mode to Large Spring on it and never separate a hair.
It wouldn't cut hot butter.
Y'all could scratch your back with it and never draw blood.
Wearisome (tiresome)
As exciting as waiting for paint to dry.
As exciting as a mashed-potato sandwich.
As much fun as chopping wood.
Dull every bit Henry's os.
Miscellaneous
Independent equally a hog on ice.
I don't know y'all from Adam's off ox.
Thick every bit the dew on Dixie.
Thick as fleas on a farm domestic dog.
That's two different buckets of possums.
Things are going to hell in a handbasket.
Come hell or high h2o.
Lord willing and the creek don't rise.
I don't care if information technology harelips the governor.
Serious as the business organization end of a .45.
Baptists and Johnson grass are taking over.
He's so irksome he could proceeds weight walking.
Out like Lottie's center.
Source: https://www.texasmonthly.com/being-texan/more-colorful-texas-sayings-than-you-can-shake-a-stick-at/
Post a Comment for "Don't Know Which Direction to Go in, Whip Out Your Penis and Just Let the Wind Guide You Baby"